[Ramblings] Notes from the Highs

Man only likes to count his troubles,

he doesn’t calculate his happiness.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Let this be a cautionary tale to people who came from a turbulent background. It feels like I am documenting how I lose my mind. There is a brewing storm from within but it is from my own making. Life has been surprisingly calm and gentle lately but it seems as though I couldn’t process it. I get so used to the turmoil and suffering that my ever-so alert nervous system is always on the defensive, bracing for something that I have to bravely go through. 

But there is literally nothing to worry about now. Life has been kind and beautiful but I couldn’t seem to enjoy it. I am waiting for some kind of a beating, something to ‘put me’ back into place. I am waiting and waiting for something bad to happen, something that will bring me back to reality to no avail. For all intents and purposes, there is none. It seems like it.

I don’t understand. Is this the time of reaping and good harvest? All those times wherein I swallowed and went through hell, hoping in the end that it will benefit me greatly? All those times of seething in anger and protest when circumstances were unjust, when I had to bow my head and let things be? I thought it would be a time of great jubilation. Unfortunately, as I am not really well-adjusted, it just brought me confusion. I am in a state of utter daze. 

It would be nice to just stop the world and enjoy the rays of the sun finally shining down on me. To feel completely and to be fully grateful for what I have without questioning if I even deserve it. I long for the day wherein my thoughts will not go straight to tribulation and things that I have to accomplish. What is wrong with being able to float in the waters of contentment and bliss without feeling guilty or unworthy of it? I guess there is nothing wrong with living life in standard mode. Not everything needs to be herculean for it to be worthwhile. I can’t believe I am struggling to be happy when life seems to be fruitful and sunny. I can’t believe that tears stream the same in good times. It feels like a sin to feel bad when you are in the spring of your life but how can one fight this? How can one deal with this when one has the ideation that life is mostly suffering? 

There are days wherein it is difficult to get out of bed and to be honest I am grateful that I have a job wherein I am pushed to work. I feel like a zombie, yes, but I have a routine. The world continues to spin round and round and I go with the motion of it without feeling anything. Gone are the days wherein I could comfort myself with whispers of, ‘It will get better’. It is definitely better, but why do I feel like this? Now, I have to push myself to ‘accept’ the good things and embrace the fact that I am deserving of it.