[Bio] When in Germany

I was 27 when I first stepped foot in Germany.

It is kinda weird that I have always felt a special “connection” with this country. I was in 3rd grade when I first had an encounter with it when my classmate brought her aunt’s German language book to school. I was so fascinated by the language that I tried to make sense of it on my own based on the illustration (this was pre-internet, of course. I couldn’t Google things yet). I even borrowed it and brought it home with me only for her mother to dash my dream of interpreting the language. She saw that we were looking at it one day while I was visiting and she gave us a scolding. She said that we shouldn’t touch it because it was super expensive.

In university, I had this yearning that I want to do my Master’s degree in a university in Münster and I don’t even know why. Mind you, I don’t even know to this day if there is a university there that offers a master’s degree in Geology but my mind was so set back then that it would happen. Apparently, there is a word for this in German which is really fitting, “Sehnsucht”. You just yearn but as for what, no one really knows.

And when I met a German guy and eventually ended up dating him, I thought that was the clearest sign from the universe that Germany was my destiny. When he first sent me a photo of the Hohenzollern Bridge in Cologne, I told myself that I will stand in front of it one day. And surprisingly, not even a full year after he sent that photo, I found myself right in front of it.

That photo overlooking the Cologne Cathedral and of course, the Hohenzollern Bridge

It was April 2022 when I first stepped foot in Germany. My plane landed in Cologne and I felt a sense of belonging immediately. I soaked everything around me, tried currywurst and even watched ferries in the Rhine. Everything felt right and it was as if I was living the life of the many protagonists I have read about. It was as if history was flowing right through me.

inside the Cologne Cathedral COVID times

currywurst!!!!

I spent a lot of time in North Rhine-Westphalia. The name of this state alone gives me goosebumps to this day because it sounds so regal, so official and European to an Asian like me! I have come to love the very romantic city of Aachen with the Aachen Cathedral serving as the domineering backdrop of the city and of course, the Rathaus itself. I couldn’t believe that I was able to walk the very same street that Charlemagne once roamed. I have been to Bochum, Essen, Duisburg, Düsseldorf, Cologne, Bonn and of course, Hattingen. The latter being a place that was once quite dear to me.

outside the Rathaus

inside the Aachen Cathedral

somewhere in the Aachner Wald

overlooking the Tranchot-Obelisk in Lousberg

I forgot which Eifelsteig this is in Nationalpark Eifel

Monschau

On a trail in Stolberg

Düsseldorf

Kaiserpfalz Kaiserswerth

Inside the House of the History of the Federal Republic of Germany, Bonn

Hamburg

Aachen Rathaus

At Burg Isenberg

Historische Altstadt Hattingen

in a field at Witten

I remembered how I travelled across Germany in the summer of 2022. Deutsche Bahn introduced the €49 ticket around that time so I took the opportunity to make the most out of it. I travelled from Stockholm to Copenhagen for 10 hours via FlixBus and spent another 4 hours travelling from Copenhagen to Lübeck. We crossed the Fehmarn Belt and it was kinda surreal seeing the Danish flag behind and looking towards the fast approaching German soil in front of me. I felt so alive during that trip! I met interesting people along the way, one of which was an Afghan national that escaped Afghanistan with the Danish embassy personnel when the Taliban took over again after the US left their country.

During the ferry ride taken by the Afghan guy

That FlixBus ride dropped me at the heart of Lübeck, a city in Schleswig-Holstein. My mouth was agape when I first saw the Holstentor! This imposing gate would be the first thing one would see upon arriving at Lübeck. At that moment, I knew I made the right decision despite travelling for that long. I fought so hard to plan this trip because everyone thought that I was being ridiculous travelling for 14 hours from Stockholm just to spend two days in that city. But my mind was set, I wanted to see Lübeck. I wanted to see the “capital” of the Hanseatic League in the olden times.

HOLSTENTOR!

Around this time, I already knew that I was going to Bergen, another Hanseatic “city”, so I have this desire to tick off all the main cities (key historic cities such as Hamburg, Bremen, Lübeck, Gdańsk, Riga, Tallinn, Visby, London, Novgorod, and Bergen among others). I am quite whimsical like that.

that little devil himself up close and personal

 The Devil's Stone

A statue honors the local legend that the devil helped build St. Mary's church after being tricked into thinking it was going to be a wine bar.

Stadtverwaltung Hansestadt Lübeck

if you like Marzipan, this is the place to go

I spent two days in the historically-fulfilling and gorgeous-looking Lübeck. Afterwards, I have spent another 18 hours or so travelling across Germany. First it was from Lübeck to Hamburg, then Hamburg to Bremen, then Bremen to Osnabrück, Osnabrück to Dortmund, then Dortmund to Düsseldorf and finally Düsseldorf to Aachen. That was a painstakingly long ride but my eyes were satiated by the things I have seen and experienced along the way.

photo after surviving the long trip from Stockholm to Aachen

The last time that I set foot in Germany was the summer of 2023. I did a tour in Koblenz then as one of my main activities on that vacation. It is a city in Rhineland-Palatinate and I have really wanted to see it for quite some time. I walked across that city as if I belonged there and took a lot of photos at the Deutsches Eck. There, I was trying to memorize all the 16 Bundesländer of Deutschland which were gracing the wall of the Memorial of German Unity as I need to know it for a future citizenship exam.

Historiensäule, Koblenz

inside the Kaiser-Wilhelm Monument, overlooking the Deutsches Eck

inside Ehrenbreitstein Fortress

view from the Biergarten Festung Ehrenbreitstein

Deutsches Eck

coat of arms of North Rhein-Westphalia

I remembered how I was surrounded by friends and loved ones at the Haus der Geschichte der Bundesrepublik Deutschland in Bonn. They took me to one of those screens where you can try out some questions from the German Citizenship Exam. I only got 3 mistakes then and everyone was cheering me on. When the time comes, they laughingly encouraged, I will definitely ace it.

That summer, I was so sure of my life path. I love and enjoy Germany and I know that I can thrive and even grow there. I was readying myself for the final move after Norway since the former has always been the final destination. But while hiking in Stolberg, I saw one of the final cracks of this illusion. Sometimes, even when someone claims to love you, they would still do things that make you realize they actually don’t. They wouldn’t watch their words and there will come a time that you would just feel numb and dream that everything will be alright in the end. But that was just a dream, an illusion of a life you want to live and so you are forced to move forward.

Stolberg castle

birthday picnic then 2023

Germany is now a distant dream. I know I can always go there to relive a past self that longed for it but I am now a different me. This current self still dreams about travelling the Romantic Road and visiting Trier, walking across Berlin and having a day tour in Chemnitz. I am still Aileen but no longer that self that dreamed about belonging in Germany.

in memoriam of that past self who dreamed of making Germany her home

[Bio] Another Season

 Lately, I have struggled to shed tears.

I will admit that there were nights when crying had been my pastime. But for some reason, it just won’t come. There could be a lot of factors, now that I am thinking about it. I guess I have just been going through the motions of day-to-day living, going out left and right and connecting with people that I have missed for quite some time. Being up and about didn’t give me any room for heavy emotions.

It’s not like I have lost the ability to feel deeply. Seething inside is still my go-to response whenever I see injustice and wrongdoing. I guess, at the same time, I am quite lost and content in my thoughts. For the first time in a long time after mental anguish, I may just be at peace. There seems to be no longer any room for doubts and anxieties, unless otherwise brought about by myself. Everything seems to be falling into place, without even any personal intervention. It was as if my sparingness done in the past is ripe for the picking. It is now time to withdraw, apparently. Even when I feel things aren’t enough or curated yet to my liking, the universe is pushing me to let things be. I admit, I am not ready.

But I am not the one in charge here. There is only so much that I can actually control in life, and I have done so earnestly. And with that, I will tell you a story.

When I first moved to Norway, their migration department (UDI) contacted me about submitting my Swedish personbevis. A personbevis is my personal identification registered with the Swedish Tax Agency. It bears my name, identification number in the system, previous address, and everything that is relevant during my stay in Sweden. It was a common request, since I was moving from another Scandinavian country. Since I had it with me, I immediately submitted it. There were other people in the same situation as myself who told me that it was not important to do so, that it was just a courtesy request, but to my better judgment (and as a stickler for rules), I followed UDI’s instruction. Besides, some of these people didn’t have it because they either didn’t register or had no intention of paying taxes, so it was a moot point for them.

And then I lived my life in Norway for two years. I like to believe that I left some relevant footprints during my stay. I volunteered at festivals, regardless of whether they were minor or major ones, and in a library to host language learning for those interested. I joined a hiking group with other foreigners who were interested in learning the Norwegian language (hosted by DNT, of course, Til Topps), attended free and paid language courses all around Bergen, and volunteered at Salem Nærmiljøsenter to, again, improve my Norwegian. Through Salem, I picked up food a couple of times at Frelsesarmeen’s office in Sandvik and delivered it to an old woman living in a sykehjem. I was quite active at Caritas Bergen when it was still represented by people who shared the same values as I did. I also met and stayed in circles of two legendary figures in Bergen. One of them actually introduced me to the other. I even discussed Norway’s greenwashing attempts in its oil exploitation and the au pair program’s evils with one of these legends. And the last thing I want to mention is this: I was there with the oldies when the King and Queen of Norway graced us with their presence during the 2023 Festspillene i Bergen. Despite people telling us that they might not appear due to the King’s poor health, I waited in the rain to have a glimpse of them (with friends I forced to join me). The latter, I believe, was the ultimate proof: I had been trying to integrate into Norwegian society even before I realized it.

With the King and Queen in the background

Joining cultural events

¨

Volunteer things

Nattjazz stint (my fave!)

volunteer party after Festspillene

duty!

more duty!

Avslutten of Norskkurs with Caritas Bergen

Meeting at Caritas Bergen

Back then, I was doing things because I wanted to make the best of my stay in my host country. I have always been adventurous and curious, but the overarching emotion then was that I was grateful for the opportunity to experience the country. I wanted to get as much as I could, to learn as much as I could absorb, and to see as much as I could explore. I understood my privilege, and so I tried to be fruitful where I was and not be a burden. I would have never imagined living and traveling in Europe before my 30s. When I read books back then set in Europe, I kind of accepted the fact that I wouldn’t set foot there maybe until I was 60. There was no way I could afford it in my youth, I said to myself. But I was lucky and fated to live the life I am living. The best thing to do with whatever comes my way is to make the most out of it.

stint at Feelings Festival

Språkkafe

UiB things

Cafe mix

with my DNT Til Topps folks

my homie at climbs with Til Topps

May 17 gallivanting haha

1st May 17 outfit haha

Brann match! SUPPORT haha

Mr. Henning Mermell (84) and still doing the seven mountain hike (had to take a selfie with him)

And then, when I moved out in 2025, I registered my Flytte Ut with Skattetaten. I left before my permit expired and informed the Norwegian Tax Authority that I lawfully left the country when my time there was up. I gave them my new address, my new phone number, and the new country that is hosting me. Again, other people told me that it wasn’t important, but I had read the fine print. One should do it.

Last December 22, I submitted my FRV + D-Visa applications to be with my husband. That’s a family reunification visa with a request to join him in Norway (D-visa) before my FRV approval comes. I got my D-Visa approval on January 19, despite a lot of long holidays, prior logistics problems, approval timelines and statistics, and an unfortunate (and yet polite) email exchange with the Norwegian Ministry of Foreign Affairs for holding my passport longer than expected (I loaned it because I am working overseas). All in all, UDI checked our files within 15 days and came to the conclusion that our case was not risky, and that they had confidence our case would be approved (probably even beyond reasonable doubt).

Maybe you are wondering why I am telling you all this. To be honest, I just want to share how all the small and seemingly trivial things that I have done in the past affected my migration story today. I am proud of the fact that I have done things properly even when no one was checking, and it pays off. Or that’s what I gathered from the turn of events in my life. (I am not discounting my husband’s sponsor profile, by the way, because it is indeed strong. But there are people like him who waited for months, even years, for their wives to get even just the D-Visa. You get the gist.)

Pretty soon, I will be with my husband too. I am just biding my time and working as much as I can before my move. Literally waiting to move until the last minute before my entry visa expires! I want to save up some money so I can contribute to the household (haha). Also, in my heart, I am hoping that I will get an early FRV approval before April, if it’s not too much to ask of the universe. It is a great fear of mine to burden my husband, even if he can afford it and despite his countless reassurances that I will be taken care of. I am just not used to not having money of my own.

So yeah. Even though I wish tears would come to ease the pain of my dry eyes (lol), this is probably one of those seasons that I don’t mind at all. Life is peaceful even if it’s still hard. And maybe I should be aiming for tears of joy and not of misery.