[Bio] Another Season

 Lately, I have struggled to shed tears.

I will admit that there were nights when crying had been my pastime. But for some reason, it just won’t come. There could be a lot of factors, now that I am thinking about it. I guess I have just been going through the motions of day-to-day living, going out left and right and connecting with people that I have missed for quite some time. Being up and about didn’t give me any room for heavy emotions.

It’s not like I have lost the ability to feel deeply. Seething inside is still my go-to response whenever I see injustice and wrongdoing. I guess, at the same time, I am quite lost and content in my thoughts. For the first time in a long time after mental anguish, I may just be at peace. There seems to be no longer any room for doubts and anxieties, unless otherwise brought about by myself. Everything seems to be falling into place, without even any personal intervention. It was as if my sparingness done in the past is ripe for the picking. It is now time to withdraw, apparently. Even when I feel things aren’t enough or curated yet to my liking, the universe is pushing me to let things be. I admit, I am not ready.

But I am not the one in charge here. There is only so much that I can actually control in life, and I have done so earnestly. And with that, I will tell you a story.

When I first moved to Norway, their migration department (UDI) contacted me about submitting my Swedish personbevis. A personbevis is my personal identification registered with the Swedish Tax Agency. It bears my name, identification number in the system, previous address, and everything that is relevant during my stay in Sweden. It was a common request, since I was moving from another Scandinavian country. Since I had it with me, I immediately submitted it. There were other people in the same situation as myself who told me that it was not important to do so, that it was just a courtesy request, but to my better judgment (and as a stickler for rules), I followed UDI’s instruction. Besides, some of these people didn’t have it because they either didn’t register or had no intention of paying taxes, so it was a moot point for them.

And then I lived my life in Norway for two years. I like to believe that I left some relevant footprints during my stay. I volunteered at festivals, regardless of whether they were minor or major ones, and in a library to host language learning for those interested. I joined a hiking group with other foreigners who were interested in learning the Norwegian language (hosted by DNT, of course, Til Topps), attended free and paid language courses all around Bergen, and volunteered at Salem Nærmiljøsenter to, again, improve my Norwegian. Through Salem, I picked up food a couple of times at Frelsesarmeen’s office in Sandvik and delivered it to an old woman living in a sykehjem. I was quite active at Caritas Bergen when it was still represented by people who shared the same values as I did. I also met and stayed in circles of two legendary figures in Bergen. One of them actually introduced me to the other. I even discussed Norway’s greenwashing attempts in its oil exploitation and the au pair program’s evils with one of these legends. And the last thing I want to mention is this: I was there with the oldies when the King and Queen of Norway graced us with their presence during the 2023 Festspillene i Bergen. Despite people telling us that they might not appear due to the King’s poor health, I waited in the rain to have a glimpse of them (with friends I forced to join me). The latter, I believe, was the ultimate proof: I had been trying to integrate into Norwegian society even before I realized it.

With the King and Queen in the background

Joining cultural events

¨

Volunteer things

Nattjazz stint (my fave!)

volunteer party after Festspillene

duty!

more duty!

Avslutten of Norskkurs with Caritas Bergen

Meeting at Caritas Bergen

Back then, I was doing things because I wanted to make the best of my stay in my host country. I have always been adventurous and curious, but the overarching emotion then was that I was grateful for the opportunity to experience the country. I wanted to get as much as I could, to learn as much as I could absorb, and to see as much as I could explore. I understood my privilege, and so I tried to be fruitful where I was and not be a burden. I would have never imagined living and traveling in Europe before my 30s. When I read books back then set in Europe, I kind of accepted the fact that I wouldn’t set foot there maybe until I was 60. There was no way I could afford it in my youth, I said to myself. But I was lucky and fated to live the life I am living. The best thing to do with whatever comes my way is to make the most out of it.

stint at Feelings Festival

Språkkafe

UiB things

Cafe mix

with my DNT Til Topps folks

my homie at climbs with Til Topps

May 17 gallivanting haha

1st May 17 outfit haha

Brann match! SUPPORT haha

Mr. Henning Mermell (84) and still doing the seven mountain hike (had to take a selfie with him)

And then, when I moved out in 2025, I registered my Flytte Ut with Skattetaten. I left before my permit expired and informed the Norwegian Tax Authority that I lawfully left the country when my time there was up. I gave them my new address, my new phone number, and the new country that is hosting me. Again, other people told me that it wasn’t important, but I had read the fine print. One should do it.

Last December 22, I submitted my FRV + D-Visa applications to be with my husband. That’s a family reunification visa with a request to join him in Norway (D-visa) before my FRV approval comes. I got my D-Visa approval on January 19, despite a lot of long holidays, prior logistics problems, approval timelines and statistics, and an unfortunate (and yet polite) email exchange with the Norwegian Ministry of Foreign Affairs for holding my passport longer than expected (I loaned it because I am working overseas). All in all, UDI checked our files within 15 days and came to the conclusion that our case was not risky, and that they had confidence our case would be approved (probably even beyond reasonable doubt).

Maybe you are wondering why I am telling you all this. To be honest, I just want to share how all the small and seemingly trivial things that I have done in the past affected my migration story today. I am proud of the fact that I have done things properly even when no one was checking, and it pays off. Or that’s what I gathered from the turn of events in my life. (I am not discounting my husband’s sponsor profile, by the way, because it is indeed strong. But there are people like him who waited for months, even years, for their wives to get even just the D-Visa. You get the gist.)

Pretty soon, I will be with my husband too. I am just biding my time and working as much as I can before my move. Literally waiting to move until the last minute before my entry visa expires! I want to save up some money so I can contribute to the household (haha). Also, in my heart, I am hoping that I will get an early FRV approval before April, if it’s not too much to ask of the universe. It is a great fear of mine to burden my husband, even if he can afford it and despite his countless reassurances that I will be taken care of. I am just not used to not having money of my own.

So yeah. Even though I wish tears would come to ease the pain of my dry eyes (lol), this is probably one of those seasons that I don’t mind at all. Life is peaceful even if it’s still hard. And maybe I should be aiming for tears of joy and not of misery.

[Ramblings] Being Labeled as Difficult

During our union blessing in Manila, my long-time friends kept on sharing stories about myself that seemed to summarize who I am as a person. Other people might cower by writing it out, but not me. I am nothing but hardy. Anyway, the resounding opinion is that I am difficult.

My husband casually brought it up in one of our conversations after the blessing. At first, I was defensive since the word ‘difficult’ carries a negative connotation and, at surface level, implies that I am a bad or cruel person. But as I found myself wading through all the words that had crossed my mind, I realized some things: most of them pointed out that I am too firm when it comes to my words, I stand up for what I believe in regardless of what the common trend is, and that I am morally vocal.

Of course, I am not saying that I have never hurt people. I had been crass, tactless, and too honest in my youth, and even now through moments of frustration. When I hated something, I said it out loud. When something didn’t sit well with me, I didn’t just smile like an idiot and let it pass. I used my voice and spilled out what I intended the other person to hear. I never backed down just to have the illusion of superficial harmony. When someone disrespected me, they would no longer have a space in my life. I hated wasting my time and whatever space was left in my head. Everything was a resource for me, and I hated wasting it on people and situations that I believed were harmful to myself. I struggled with anger when I was growing up because I wasn’t really taught how to regulate it properly. Emotions were not encouraged, only obedience and success.

But aging gives me room to breathe and ‘smooth’ the rough edges bit by bit. I am now a bit more refined and keep on being refined by my experiences and learning. From time to time, anger makes me explode, but being around my husband’s calming presence (lol) reminds me that it is more likely to be heard when I am calm in my resolve. I am in a better headspace, and although life is still hard, self-discovery and development can be prioritized.

These friends, despite sharing anecdotes about me being ‘difficult’, will always have my back. They know that they can rely on me even if I am a bit too opinionated and do speak my mind. I am sorry that you guys have a high-agency friend, haha. I just really know what I want, what I need, and that there is really a need to set boundaries and to stand up for what is right. We need that now more than ever.

[Ramblings] New Year Hopeful

And I write.

Overlooking La Union while contemplating

Write not with the purpose of publishing but with the purpose of writing down the thoughts running through my head.

For quite some time now, I have been trying to gauge the upcoming deluge of emotions, emotions that I have tried to placate, to hide, and to conceal. I have given a lot of reasons as to why I shouldn’t let the dams open. Simple things like I have no time, no energy, and mostly that I have no resources to do so. But that’s no longer the case. I have time to hone whatever I want to pursue now, I have the energy to fulfill my desires, and at this point of my life, I have the resources and am now willing to invest in myself.

Ah! The beauty of finally seeing yourself and being able to recognize your full potential. There was no safety net, not a lot of supportive structure to get me where I am today, and yet, despite all these reasons and other circumstances, there is this strong push for awakening. The fruits are ready for the picking, and harvest time is fast approaching. My hands tremble as I anticipate all the things that I can touch and do, the magic that I will make for myself and to those that see me. There is something precious about knowing that you have something to offer to the world and not to just burden it.

The deep-seated anguish and despair of not creating is almost over. We are ready to face and conquer what is in front of us. With my heart open, I am letting all the good things in and the fears and anxieties out.

[Ramblings] We are definitely not beating the allegations

I like setting the record straight and drawing boundaries firmly and resolutely.

Some people find it harsh and maybe a bit appalling. I think most of us were taught in our childhood to bow our heads and dim ourselves so as to not outshine the elders or our ‘betters’. It could also be the fact that most of us want to fit in and early on, we learned that any form of dissent from us will be received with backlash and worst, shunning. From that, most of us dare not stand up for what is right or what we believe in. We rather let evil and wrongdoings prevail if that meant no ruffling of feathers or disturbance of status quo. 

Whatever one does with their life, that is their own cross to bear. 

That being said and to make it extra clear, I pass no judgment. I don’t look down on people when they do bad things. I make sure that I stop at rebuking the abysmal things they commit. I do not let myself cross that threshold because how could I? I am not perfect. But two things can be true at once. I will call out bad and legally questionable actions when I see it happening right in front of me. People tend to mistake this as me looking down on them. Let me be clear: I always choose the hill that I would like to die on. If you are not affecting others or hurting opportunities for people who are doing honest work, you are not in my radar.

I do NOT want to be associated with fraudulent people and activities.

There is already a stigma about Asians marrying foreigners to alleviate their social standing and as much as it pains me to say it, this has been a source of great distress for myself. I take pride in who I am and what I did to be where I am today. It was an arduous road, filled with hardship and tears BUT never with dishonesty. I have always been a keen believer that there is another way, always–most certainly, other than selling your soul to survive. I sometimes wonder how one can look at themselves in the mirror when they know they cheated the system or used someone to get where they are or where they want to be. To just be lumped up with these people, just because of my nationality, is truly biting.

This is me refusing to dull my standards to make people around me comfortable.

I’m sorry, I just respect myself too much. I want to be credible and I like living my life with integrity. That is the plain and honest truth. I hate that because I am a Filipina, people immediately think that I am with my husband so that I can stay in Norway or in Europe. Even as a joke, I don’t like it. I left Norway when my contract ended and I looked for a legal job so I can stay legally in another country.

But you know why they say things like this? It is because of all the bullshit that fellow Filipinas and Filipina au pairs keep on doing abroad. Even in shows on Netflix, we are being portrayed as such: Filipina au pairs coming to Europe to look for European husbands so they can stay in Europe and run away from their miserable lives! 

These are real occurrences: (1) Au pairs that signed up on dating apps even before coming to their host countries so they can immediately snatch a husband before their contract ends, (2) making sure that they get pregnant so they can apply for a residence permit through their baby or their baby daddy, (3) guilt-tripping, forcing or conniving with their boyfriends to marry them so they can stay, (4) applying as the au pair of their single-dad boyfriend instead of going through proper channels, (5) paying for people to marry them so they can apply for a spousal visa, (6) sketchy Filipinas pushing other Filipinas to marry foreigners so they can have residency in their host country and (7) marrying someone, staying for 3 years with them and leaving them after getting their Permanent Residence. WTF, right?

The rain, same as death, is a great equalizer. 

The action of many affects the fate of one so I want to set the record straight right here and right now. I am not like these people and I don’t ever want to be associated with them. 

If you are one of these people, it is nothing personal, I just don’t want to be seen and treated like you. I had a genuine relationship with my husband, we didn’t break any law by falsifying documents, our relationship and our marriage. We didn’t use the au pair scheme so I can come and stay in Norway (I am not even residing in Norway at the moment–which is documented through and by Skatteetaten). We did not marry under false pretenses and I never forced him to marry me. He genuinely asked for my hand after a considerable amount of time of us being in a relationship.

And, as a PSA for anyone who doesn’t know this:

One can get married if you have the necessary documents for it. Now, the application for the FRV is a different thing. That is where the questionnaire and interview comes in. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that they admit to something that they lied about on LEGAL FORMS before they were able to get married. Nothing of that sort happens. Do what you will with this information.

[Ramblings] Notes from the Highs

Man only likes to count his troubles,

he doesn’t calculate his happiness.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Let this be a cautionary tale to people who came from a turbulent background. It feels like I am documenting how I lose my mind. There is a brewing storm from within but it is from my own making. Life has been surprisingly calm and gentle lately but it seems as though I couldn’t process it. I get so used to the turmoil and suffering that my ever-so alert nervous system is always on the defensive, bracing for something that I have to bravely go through. 

But there is literally nothing to worry about now. Life has been kind and beautiful but I couldn’t seem to enjoy it. I am waiting for some kind of a beating, something to ‘put me’ back into place. I am waiting and waiting for something bad to happen, something that will bring me back to reality to no avail. For all intents and purposes, there is none. It seems like it.

I don’t understand. Is this the time of reaping and good harvest? All those times wherein I swallowed and went through hell, hoping in the end that it will benefit me greatly? All those times of seething in anger and protest when circumstances were unjust, when I had to bow my head and let things be? I thought it would be a time of great jubilation. Unfortunately, as I am not really well-adjusted, it just brought me confusion. I am in a state of utter daze. 

It would be nice to just stop the world and enjoy the rays of the sun finally shining down on me. To feel completely and to be fully grateful for what I have without questioning if I even deserve it. I long for the day wherein my thoughts will not go straight to tribulation and things that I have to accomplish. What is wrong with being able to float in the waters of contentment and bliss without feeling guilty or unworthy of it? I guess there is nothing wrong with living life in standard mode. Not everything needs to be herculean for it to be worthwhile. I can’t believe I am struggling to be happy when life seems to be fruitful and sunny. I can’t believe that tears stream the same in good times. It feels like a sin to feel bad when you are in the spring of your life but how can one fight this? How can one deal with this when one has the ideation that life is mostly suffering? 

There are days wherein it is difficult to get out of bed and to be honest I am grateful that I have a job wherein I am pushed to work. I feel like a zombie, yes, but I have a routine. The world continues to spin round and round and I go with the motion of it without feeling anything. Gone are the days wherein I could comfort myself with whispers of, ‘It will get better’. It is definitely better, but why do I feel like this? Now, I have to push myself to ‘accept’ the good things and embrace the fact that I am deserving of it. 

[Bio] Engagement Story

I am officially engaged!

My citrine ring

I got the most amazing ring from an amazing man. He was the one who picked the ring himself and to be honest, I was surprised that I ended up loving it. I thought it was too big, too pee-like in color and too circular for me, lol. I mean, I love the man, why would I dare not love the ring?

It was such a funny story because while on a call, he asked me randomly about my opinions regarding engagement rings; what kind of ring I prefer or even what stone. That question honestly made me anxious and I think I panicked a little bit because he just casually blurted it out. We were just randomly talking about our day. Then and there, I told him that I think I really want to have a labradorite or a citrine for my stone. I have always been averse towards diamonds because it doesn’t have a meaning or any significance for me. As for labradorite and citrine, I’ve been eyeing them since my courses in Mineralogy, lol. Labradorite reminds me of the northern lights and how it plays with light (labradorescence, duh?) and as for citrine, it is one of the rarest minerals in the world. Real citrine stones, in my opinion, are freaks of nature, lol. There is only a certain condition that this baby can form. 

After I told him that, I tried to change the conversation but damn, that really took a toll on me. I thought about it for days. It will be something that I will wear until we tie the knot so it should be something that I really like. After maybe two weeks of sitting on it, I sent him a message that I wanted something simple. I told him that I didn’t want any big stones or anything and that I would be happy with that. On his part, he panicked after receiving my message. He already ordered the ring because he was bringing it on his next visit. But then, when I showed him what I was getting for myself for my 31st birthday, he said that he felt a sense of relief. I would be fine with the ring that he chose. (I got myself a sapphire cut lab-grown ruby silver ring. Ruby is my birthstone, hehe).

The proposal was so cute. I mean, I already kinda have a feeling that he was gonna propose soon but I incorrectly guessed that he would probably do it before he goes back to Norway. July is also my birth month so, yeah, I’m kinda all over the place since events and/or schedules are probably related to my birthday celebration. So, one day, after he gave me his gift for my birthday (which was a fucking laptop, by the way, and other small things that I do love and enjoy), he also gave me a card. He said that on the 15th of July, we were gonna visit the UNESCO World Heritage churches in Troodos and then have dinner at a nearby tavern. I was stoked because one of my silly dreams is to visit all the UNESCO World Heritage sites in Europe so there was that.

He was so excited to drive all the way up to Troodos which was weird to me as well haha. I mean, he is also into sightseeing but not to that extent. While we were packing, I actually saw him packed a pullover on his bag and I was like, ‘The fuck, it’s so fucking hot in Cyprus. This dude is crazy’. I was side-eyeing him but then again I remember that this dude brought a raincoat in here and it almost never rains here. Funny because Bergen, Norway is the rainiest city in Europe and in Cyprus, it barely ever rains.  

First photos after getting engaged

A dollop of sun on my finger

I think he has a particular church in mind to propose to because he sent me a list of churches to visit. I was happy because he was taking initiative with the planning which usually falls on me so I was like, ‘Okay, girl. This guy is giving today’. Anyway, we missed out on one church because I thought it was the other one across the country (they almost all have the same name and Google Maps is also as confused as me) but it was alright. 

Once we were inside the Agios Nikolaos tis Stegis Church (St. Nicholas of the Roof), I was somehow left alone in the nave. It is a small church that can probably be used by 20 to 30 people for the celebration of mass. We were the only ones there since the first few tourists that were there with us just left. I was so engrossed at the paintings within the church, the reason why this church is a UNESCO World Heritage site. The ceiling of this 11th-century church was painted with Byzantine religious images which I was looking at and observing when he popped the question. He stood behind me, asked me in English first if I would marry him and then repeated the question in Norwegian. I think he was nervous but as for me, I was a bit perplexed and I even blurted out, ‘No,’ at first (jokingly, of course). Then he asked incredulously if I was serious, evidently surprised by my answer. 

I think it was a very personal proposal. We didn’t even have any photos inside the church (since it is not allowed). It was just me and him under the centuries-old painting. 

 

[Bio] Engaged!

I got the most amazing ring from an amazing man. He was the one who picked the ring himself and to be honest, I was surprised that I ended up loving it. I thought it was too big, too pee-like in color and too circular for me, lol. I mean, I love the man, why would I dare not love the ring?

Just posting photos of my engagement ring here (heat-treated citrine in 14k gold). I'm still working on the engagement story.

I also got my fiance his engagement ring. Apparently traditional in Norway

Still can't get enough

The church where my fiance proposed, July 15, 2025

First photo with the ring