[Ramblings] Justin Bieber

I caught myself being too emotional again while watching Justin Bieber’s recent performance at Coachella. This, being the third time, is the reason why I immediately took my laptop and started typing.

me in bed

Justin Bieber is more than a household name. For most millennials such as myself, his music is literally embedded in our psyche. We grew up listening, dancing, and enjoying his music. I even remember specific periods or events in my life whenever I hear some of his songs. He was that big and, let’s just say, well-broadcasted. When we reached that awkward teen phase, we were also there to play down how much we used to enjoy his music and, in some instances, we even tried to make fun of his songs. Some even went to such great lengths as to call it childish and/or cringe.

Then he started changing his appearance. He let go of his iconic side-swept bangs and turned towards edgier outfits. His music, of course, changed as well. He had to work with puberty, which was understandable, but a lot of people were not ready for that change. It was either they loved what he had been so far or they didn’t want to stop mocking him and his music just yet. I remembered reading somewhere online that it seemed like Justin was ‘rebelling’. As if he was the world’s son, OUR kid to be castigated.

Everyone also started noticing his growing collection of tattoos. Some were disgusted by it, but some found him more relatable. He seemed like a proper adult then and was finally owning up to the man he was becoming. When he first released ‘What Do You Mean?’ along with ‘Sorry’ and ‘Love Yourself’, I found myself enjoying his music once more. It seemed more mature and not heavily focused on being someone’s boyfriend.

When ‘Yummy’ came out, there was a lot of controversy over it. I never really got into that because I was just there for his music. I hadn’t even seen the music video well until 2023, maybe. There were also some heavy and quite personal discussions about Justin’s drug use and/or abuse and his concerning mental health issues. He was also plagued, and still is, by the presence of an annoyingly ‘constant’ female figure in his life, even after his eventual marriage to Hailey Bieber. I will never name her because she gets mirth from that. Controversy after controversy, all I can see is a man being forced to lower and lower his head as some kind of submission to something bigger than him.

And then, Coachella. I was not there myself, but the fragments of his performance online that I have seen sent a wave of nostalgia. There was a gnawing sense of familiarity and warmness, something that I know but I am not quite sure about. My auditory senses remember, but I don’t really know why.

Justin grew up in front of us. Some of us are even his age, such as myself. In a way, it’s like looking in a mirror and relating to him. His seemingly carefree youth, the pressures of the world as he grew up and expanded his horizons, the adjustments that he had to do as he went through young adulthood, his successes and the struggles and the pains that came with it, and in Coachella, seemingly finding himself somehow happy again.

I do not claim to know THE Justin Bieber, but I know that he is human too. At the end of the day, despite his global fame, success, and fortune, he lives and breathes as a person. He has to come to terms with who he was, who he is, what he has experienced, what he can change, and what he is becoming. Every one of us goes through this regardless of our social status.

As to why this performance of his makes me emotional? I still don’t know why exactly. It could be that I see myself in him, the struggles that we have to endure as we get older. Or it could be the fact that he was able to look back on who he was, forget the hate, and just appreciate the things that he has done and accomplished. Or it could also be that he never knew how many people truly love and support him despite feeling an excruciating sense of self-hate. Or that, watching his happy and young self doing the things he loves healed something deep within himself. Projection, one might say, but seeing him happy and passionate on stage made me happy too. It was as if it brought warmness to my broken older self and I was reminded that it is okay to be happy again.

[Ramblings] Being Labeled as Difficult

During our union blessing in Manila, my long-time friends kept on sharing stories about myself that seemed to summarize who I am as a person. Other people might cower by writing it out, but not me. I am nothing but hardy. Anyway, the resounding opinion is that I am difficult.

My husband casually brought it up in one of our conversations after the blessing. At first, I was defensive since the word ‘difficult’ carries a negative connotation and, at surface level, implies that I am a bad or cruel person. But as I found myself wading through all the words that had crossed my mind, I realized some things: most of them pointed out that I am too firm when it comes to my words, I stand up for what I believe in regardless of what the common trend is, and that I am morally vocal.

Of course, I am not saying that I have never hurt people. I had been crass, tactless, and too honest in my youth, and even now through moments of frustration. When I hated something, I said it out loud. When something didn’t sit well with me, I didn’t just smile like an idiot and let it pass. I used my voice and spilled out what I intended the other person to hear. I never backed down just to have the illusion of superficial harmony. When someone disrespected me, they would no longer have a space in my life. I hated wasting my time and whatever space was left in my head. Everything was a resource for me, and I hated wasting it on people and situations that I believed were harmful to myself. I struggled with anger when I was growing up because I wasn’t really taught how to regulate it properly. Emotions were not encouraged, only obedience and success.

But aging gives me room to breathe and ‘smooth’ the rough edges bit by bit. I am now a bit more refined and keep on being refined by my experiences and learning. From time to time, anger makes me explode, but being around my husband’s calming presence (lol) reminds me that it is more likely to be heard when I am calm in my resolve. I am in a better headspace, and although life is still hard, self-discovery and development can be prioritized.

These friends, despite sharing anecdotes about me being ‘difficult’, will always have my back. They know that they can rely on me even if I am a bit too opinionated and do speak my mind. I am sorry that you guys have a high-agency friend, haha. I just really know what I want, what I need, and that there is really a need to set boundaries and to stand up for what is right. We need that now more than ever.

[Ramblings] Notes from the Highs

Man only likes to count his troubles,

he doesn’t calculate his happiness.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Let this be a cautionary tale to people who came from a turbulent background. It feels like I am documenting how I lose my mind. There is a brewing storm from within but it is from my own making. Life has been surprisingly calm and gentle lately but it seems as though I couldn’t process it. I get so used to the turmoil and suffering that my ever-so alert nervous system is always on the defensive, bracing for something that I have to bravely go through. 

But there is literally nothing to worry about now. Life has been kind and beautiful but I couldn’t seem to enjoy it. I am waiting for some kind of a beating, something to ‘put me’ back into place. I am waiting and waiting for something bad to happen, something that will bring me back to reality to no avail. For all intents and purposes, there is none. It seems like it.

I don’t understand. Is this the time of reaping and good harvest? All those times wherein I swallowed and went through hell, hoping in the end that it will benefit me greatly? All those times of seething in anger and protest when circumstances were unjust, when I had to bow my head and let things be? I thought it would be a time of great jubilation. Unfortunately, as I am not really well-adjusted, it just brought me confusion. I am in a state of utter daze. 

It would be nice to just stop the world and enjoy the rays of the sun finally shining down on me. To feel completely and to be fully grateful for what I have without questioning if I even deserve it. I long for the day wherein my thoughts will not go straight to tribulation and things that I have to accomplish. What is wrong with being able to float in the waters of contentment and bliss without feeling guilty or unworthy of it? I guess there is nothing wrong with living life in standard mode. Not everything needs to be herculean for it to be worthwhile. I can’t believe I am struggling to be happy when life seems to be fruitful and sunny. I can’t believe that tears stream the same in good times. It feels like a sin to feel bad when you are in the spring of your life but how can one fight this? How can one deal with this when one has the ideation that life is mostly suffering? 

There are days wherein it is difficult to get out of bed and to be honest I am grateful that I have a job wherein I am pushed to work. I feel like a zombie, yes, but I have a routine. The world continues to spin round and round and I go with the motion of it without feeling anything. Gone are the days wherein I could comfort myself with whispers of, ‘It will get better’. It is definitely better, but why do I feel like this? Now, I have to push myself to ‘accept’ the good things and embrace the fact that I am deserving of it. 

[Bio] Engagement Story

I am officially engaged!

My citrine ring

I got the most amazing ring from an amazing man. He was the one who picked the ring himself and to be honest, I was surprised that I ended up loving it. I thought it was too big, too pee-like in color and too circular for me, lol. I mean, I love the man, why would I dare not love the ring?

It was such a funny story because while on a call, he asked me randomly about my opinions regarding engagement rings; what kind of ring I prefer or even what stone. That question honestly made me anxious and I think I panicked a little bit because he just casually blurted it out. We were just randomly talking about our day. Then and there, I told him that I think I really want to have a labradorite or a citrine for my stone. I have always been averse towards diamonds because it doesn’t have a meaning or any significance for me. As for labradorite and citrine, I’ve been eyeing them since my courses in Mineralogy, lol. Labradorite reminds me of the northern lights and how it plays with light (labradorescence, duh?) and as for citrine, it is one of the rarest minerals in the world. Real citrine stones, in my opinion, are freaks of nature, lol. There is only a certain condition that this baby can form. 

After I told him that, I tried to change the conversation but damn, that really took a toll on me. I thought about it for days. It will be something that I will wear until we tie the knot so it should be something that I really like. After maybe two weeks of sitting on it, I sent him a message that I wanted something simple. I told him that I didn’t want any big stones or anything and that I would be happy with that. On his part, he panicked after receiving my message. He already ordered the ring because he was bringing it on his next visit. But then, when I showed him what I was getting for myself for my 31st birthday, he said that he felt a sense of relief. I would be fine with the ring that he chose. (I got myself a sapphire cut lab-grown ruby silver ring. Ruby is my birthstone, hehe).

The proposal was so cute. I mean, I already kinda have a feeling that he was gonna propose soon but I incorrectly guessed that he would probably do it before he goes back to Norway. July is also my birth month so, yeah, I’m kinda all over the place since events and/or schedules are probably related to my birthday celebration. So, one day, after he gave me his gift for my birthday (which was a fucking laptop, by the way, and other small things that I do love and enjoy), he also gave me a card. He said that on the 15th of July, we were gonna visit the UNESCO World Heritage churches in Troodos and then have dinner at a nearby tavern. I was stoked because one of my silly dreams is to visit all the UNESCO World Heritage sites in Europe so there was that.

He was so excited to drive all the way up to Troodos which was weird to me as well haha. I mean, he is also into sightseeing but not to that extent. While we were packing, I actually saw him packed a pullover on his bag and I was like, ‘The fuck, it’s so fucking hot in Cyprus. This dude is crazy’. I was side-eyeing him but then again I remember that this dude brought a raincoat in here and it almost never rains here. Funny because Bergen, Norway is the rainiest city in Europe and in Cyprus, it barely ever rains.  

First photos after getting engaged

A dollop of sun on my finger

I think he has a particular church in mind to propose to because he sent me a list of churches to visit. I was happy because he was taking initiative with the planning which usually falls on me so I was like, ‘Okay, girl. This guy is giving today’. Anyway, we missed out on one church because I thought it was the other one across the country (they almost all have the same name and Google Maps is also as confused as me) but it was alright. 

Once we were inside the Agios Nikolaos tis Stegis Church (St. Nicholas of the Roof), I was somehow left alone in the nave. It is a small church that can probably be used by 20 to 30 people for the celebration of mass. We were the only ones there since the first few tourists that were there with us just left. I was so engrossed at the paintings within the church, the reason why this church is a UNESCO World Heritage site. The ceiling of this 11th-century church was painted with Byzantine religious images which I was looking at and observing when he popped the question. He stood behind me, asked me in English first if I would marry him and then repeated the question in Norwegian. I think he was nervous but as for me, I was a bit perplexed and I even blurted out, ‘No,’ at first (jokingly, of course). Then he asked incredulously if I was serious, evidently surprised by my answer. 

I think it was a very personal proposal. We didn’t even have any photos inside the church (since it is not allowed). It was just me and him under the centuries-old painting. 

 

[Bio] When You Stop Resisting

It is quite funny to look back on my photos prior to coming to Europe in 2022. Before this big change in my life, I hadn't even left the country; not even for a small vacation in South East Asia! 

All of a sudden, I was in Qatar. Life, for real?

No seatmate in my Qatar to Stockholm flight. I had to take a selfie.

Also changed clothes because it's gonna be cold!

I was told that I was quite lucky because it snowed prior to my arrival.

As if Sweden knew that I would be thrilled for snow.

Visa applications, choosing the best layover country for a longhaul flight and even the most basic skill of itinerary-making are all foreign to me. Who would have thought! I am quite sure that sixteen-year old me wouldn’t even believe half the stories I would be telling her. She was dreaming of all these European cities she read from books (borrowed from the library or bought from Booksale), thinking with a fluttering heart that there might be at least a sliver of chance to see them during her twilight years. But even then, she felt a bit arrogant to dream about that. ‘How can I afford that?’, was a resounding question in her mind. How dare she dream when even a university degree that usually leads to a good job wasn’t even guaranteed.

Aachen Cathedral, Germany, WTF???

Hofburg Palace, Vienna, Austria, WTF??

Prado Museum, WTF?

my ass in Gdansk, Poland

flexing in Trolltunga, Ullensvang, Norway

Tallinn Old Town, Estonia

Amsterdam, LOL

Praha, Czechia

[Among others...]

But, life IS truly unpredictable especially when you don’t really have a lot to lose. My mindset has always been to gamble what little I have; always thinking that I will be okay no matter what. There was also that matter of the heart. One seems to be fearless when love is involved. I used to think that the saying, ‘Love can move mountains,’ was an overstatement. It actually wasn’t. We can truly do amazing and surprising things when backed by this feeling.

I was quite lucky to be chosen by this Swedish family to be their au pair for a year in Stockholm. It wasn’t really the plan, believe me. Prior to looking for a host family in Europe,  I’ve tried applying for an Erasmus Mundus scholarship but it didn’t work out. I would just like to add that I got the program acceptance and some promise of financial support from the institute but that’s it. Given that I don’t have the means for the show money for the student visa application, that option was truly not for me. That was actually a painful blow and I remember how I cried and cried thinking that there was no way for me to go to Europe because I was so freaking poor. To calm myself, I just tried to internalize that the Erasmus program wasn’t really for me. That there is another MSc I can do later on in life: something that I actually would like to do other than a forced program just to get somewhere. I already did that with my Bachelor’s. I reminded myself that I should do better with the next program that I would take.

Then I remembered the au pair program. I have stumbled about it around 2016-2017 but I thought that only people without prospects do that. And I had prospects in 2017. I just got my license as a Geologist after passing the notoriously difficult and ‘sieve-like’ board exams and I was also a DMTG Scholar of a mining company. Life was promising back then. I thought I was all set for a nice career. Until it wasn’t. But that’s another story to tell.

Quarry site memories, lol

It was quite easy for me to get a host family. I began my research around April 2021, mere days after I got the result of my Erasmus application, and I matched with a Danish family not even two weeks after making my profile live at Aufini.com. We gathered all requirements between May and June 2021 (after the Easter holiday) and I appeared at VFS Makati on the 22nd of July 2021. The interview went smoothly but it was quite fast. Even the security guard was puzzled by it since most applicants usually have longer interviews. Mine probably lasted only three minutes.

I was quite confident. Unfortunately for me, I received a rejection letter on the 28th of July, just two days after my birthday. I was quite devastated and the reason given by SIRI, the Danish Ministry of Immigration didn’t make any sense. For the second time, my dream of going to Europe came to naught. I was truly losing hope. My Danish host family wanted us to appeal but they wanted me to pay for it. It was around Php8800 around that time. I hesitated but I was like, why not? Maybe the result could be overturned. While waiting for that, I activated my profile on Aupair.com and looked for other families in other countries. I was booking interviews but a friend I met through Facebook, another au pair hopeful, told me that she gave my contact to a Swedish host family that she also met through Aupair.com. Around that time, she was already processing her paper to Sweden so she was okay recommending other hopefuls to other families she was speaking with.

Mariel, the one who recommended the Swedish family

Before we went to Sweden

The Swedish family was nice. We only talked a couple of times via messaging and an interview was scheduled 9th of August 2021. They began the interview by telling me that they would try to get back to me after a week because they have at least 50 hopefuls to look into. I said it was okay and of course, I could wait. I guess the interview went well because I received a message while I was sleeping that they wanted to call me again the following day. The Philippines is 6 hours ahead so we had a call again the 10th of August in the evening for me. The couple told me that after interviewing two more people after me, they were quite sure that I would be a perfect fit with their family because of how articulate I was. ‘Why prolong the search?’ the dad said. So, we started the processing of all documents on the 11th of August and got my approval on 25th of October 2021. Truly a whirlwind thing and the rest is history after that.

After immigration (and the not-so-strict Covid check), I stepped into Swedish soil.

God save the King!

I guess wherever I am right now was because I just let things be. There were a lot of struggles and a lot of unnecessary suffering because I focused too much on my fears and worries that I won’t ever reach my target, my destination. Often we forgot how discoveries were made by explorers a long time ago. They navigated uncharted territories because of unforeseen wind changes, storms that broke loose all of a sudden and sometimes even rogue waves hitting them. They let things be, because what can you even do whilst facing turbulent waters? At the end of the day, everything will pass. The day will break again and what you’re facing is the destination that you are meant to reach. Embrace it first and all the potentials will appear. We are here and that’s the most important thing.

You might be wondering what I did with my appeal with the Danish Ministry of Immigration. I rescinded that and I got my money back. Was my Danish host happy about that? I don’t know. She never really contacted me again. We both know anyways that the appeal can take between 6 to 12 months with no guarantee of an approval. I couldn’t really wait that long and neither could she. 

[Ramblings] No Way But Up

Today, I am not feeling well. I don’t know if it’s the coffee that I keep on ingesting even though I somehow know that I have an intolerance for it. Maybe it’s psychological; which is my best bet if I am being honest. I have been feeling a mixture of anxiety, a great sense of longing and this seemingly bottomless pit of despair. And there are times like today when I couldn’t even advocate for myself and be my own cheerleader. Other people in my life usually try to lift me up but for some reason, it is to no avail. I am officially down in the dumps.

The view

The dubious cause

I have a very strong sense of adventure and a thirst for knowledge and life. Moving to a different country, multiple times if I may say so, only encourages these desires. Now that I am in another country almost similar to the Philippines, with a deep-seated problem of corruption and a hell of bureaucratic mess, I am feeling more and more suffocated and trapped. I miss the free-roaming perk of living in Schengen and how I only have to present my pink card and that was it. In here, I have to deal with the ridiculous and almost absurd problem with immigration and dealing with embassies. Government employees seem to not work as hard as the regular salarymen and I think that it somehow shows how bad the governance is. No real order, no real system. You just have to wait and pray that everything will turn out alright for your sake.

Moving away from politics, there is also this great sense of longing for a life I aspire to have. I feel handicapped; I feel like I am not enough. I couldn’t practice my degree here because of my incapability to further my studies back home. I wanted to have an MSc back then but how? I have to shell out hundreds of thousands Philippine Peso just to have one and I feel like I am not smart enough to get one through a scholarship. It’s not like I haven’t tried or anything. Regardless if your tuition fee is already paid, you have to worry about other bills and expenses while studying. So that means working on top of studying. That might not be a problem but both required my full time if I didn't really have much time to give back then. And I feel bad because it seems like I made a lot of excuses not to do so even though I’ve given and considered every aspect of my life. I didn’t jump because I know for a fact that I couldn’t really swim. Pushing myself will just lead to drowning. Sure, there are people that might have ‘helped’ me but it has been really difficult for me to rely on anyone. Based on experience, I could only depend on one person alone who will never fail me and that is myself.

So now, I am back to square one. Building up funds to get a Master’s here while I hone skills that I can harness for money-making. Some people tried to tell me that I should have not travelled and instead saved up. If I had done so, I would only save up a sixth of the money that I need (since we only got an allowance back then) and I would terribly miss out on a lot of stuff I could do while I have the capacity to travel within Schengen. I would still be miserable AND not even enriched culturally. I’ll just be doubly dissatisfied with my life. 

As for despair, it has been a lifelong companion as far as I can remember. It comes and goes but it is a constant in my life. I believe that I am a highly optimistic person but there are times wherein I just couldn’t help but to hug this emotion. For some reason, there is a great relief with wallowing in your emotions regardless if it’s positive or negative. I’ve met the version of myself that I admire through difficult times and although I don’t enjoy phases of deep sadness and misery, it comforts me to know that I am capable of being strong. At least I have that.

Today, I am not feeling well. I am hopeless and maybe at my wit’s end. But we try to move forward. We’ll try to get the day back. There is no other way but up and the first step is to pick myself up.

[Ramblings] The Void

I don’t know how to explain what I’ve been feeling lately. The last few weeks were definitely stressful and suffocating that I didn’t have the time to write purposefully at all.

Soulless in snow

My thoughts were comparable to a cluttered room where one can’t easily make sense of. There was seemingly too much to do with so little time or maybe just enough time with a lot of things to do in mind. Either way, it wasn’t really the most ideal situation for me. As a planner, and a self-proclaimed efficient one at that, I noticed how ‘hurt’ my brain has been through everything that I’ve experienced. Nothing seemed to fall in place. The plans scheduled never materialized and timelines were definitely missed. Within me, I felt this gnawing sense of resentment and discontent. To whom or to what is not even a question to have since I know for a fact that there was nothing to direct these negative emotions to. It’s just how it is and I have learned to accept the circumstances I have been in and accept whatever the results or consequences are. 

There were nights when I felt like a child that was so afraid and lost in a big and scary world. Everything felt so uncertain, frightful and foreign all of a sudden and I found myself gasping and whimpering. The confusion and insecurities made me restless and it felt as if there was no end in sight. I usually just ended up hugging and crying myself to sleep as I tried to navigate and process all the fears and anxieties I was having. The decades of experience that I have living in this world seemed so insignificant and useless. I was somehow helpless.

I guess this is the human experience. Sometimes, you just have to go through things and brave it all the way through until the ‘grand scheme’ reveals itself. On the daily, if I am going to be honest, I just try to gaslight myself to see things through. I try to make myself believe that everything will get better even if I don’t have the complete confidence that this is the case. I guess you just have to believe because after all, it has definitely gotten better for me. 

No lessons here or whatsoever. Just utter rawness.

[Ramblings] In my 30s

 

30 in Porto

To say that I’ve come so far is an understatement. I’ve come far and then decided to go even further. BUT, as a disclaimer, I am talking about my personal definition of ‘far’. I don’t think my parents, and in extension my relatives, agree with what I am doing with my life. I don’t think the institution that gave me my degree in Geology expected that I won’t be practicing the profession in under 5 years after my graduation. I have been technically unemployed for three years and somehow, I am a bit closer to what people call the state of ‘contentment’. 

Torre dos Clérigos

Praia do Carneiro

OLD TRAM!

Livraria Lello - Tons of people waiting outside

 

Facade of Igreja do Carmo

Lovely street at Porto

Ribeira

Capela das Almas

Just right around the corner where we went for a Michelin dinner

Of course, getting here took a lot of time, energy and guts. It was a difficult journey from there to here. I have to shed off some weight of personal and societal expectations. To begin with, I don’t even know what my actual personal expectations are, or whether I was just brought up to believe that they were mine to begin with. I guess, with my educational background, I have been set for an academic track, getting a Master’s then eventually a PhD. Maybe I would flourish as a professor or even a scientist that works nonstop in the lab and I would count myself happy. No matter how I deny it, I love to learn and I love to figure out stuff. I like to read and I like to observe every interesting thing around me. But I guess, that is where it ends with myself. I am clueless as to what to do next and where to go after.

There were some people who told me that I don’t have any ambitions and some that would say the opposite. There were some that told me time and time again how promising I was and I would surely do great things and some that tried to bring me down whenever they could. There were people who were patient to educate me, leading me to things that I can do and forging whatever skillset I have to better me and some that are relentless in misguiding me and making me feel that I am unworthy of anything. A lot of contradictions in every turn, people that either have your best interest or not and experiences that can either be harmful or beneficial–such is our lives. Moving to Europe and just, well, chilling, has given me the opportunity to be able to self-realize.

More than anything, I think it is quite important to know who you are and what you want. From there, a lot of our choices will make sense and our struggles will lessen. After all, it is quite important to prioritize. We only have a short amount of time in God’s green earth but it is long enough for us to do the important things.

I am in my early 30s and although I still have a lot of frustrations, I think I have become more docile and at peace of who I am at what I actually want. The noise of people’s judgements and opinions still ran in the background but I have gained to tune it out and just focus on the inner voice that wants to be heard since time immemorial. Their expectations, definitions of success and failure and what happiness really means are all still displayed in the galleries of my mind but I have my own canvas to work on and to tend to. I have so many colors to play with on my own and my own set of music to listen to so why would I let others dictate what I should choose and do?

Right now, I am trying to focus on making worthwhile connections, keeping all the happy memories in my head, letting go of all the pain and internalized suffering and living in the now. I still have a lot to figure out and no matter how one feels that it is scary, the unknown is so exciting for me. Too many possibilities to play with.