[Ramblings] We are definitely not beating the allegations

I like setting the record straight and drawing boundaries firmly and resolutely.

Some people find it harsh and maybe a bit appalling. I think most of us were taught in our childhood to bow our heads and dim ourselves so as to not outshine the elders or our ‘betters’. It could also be the fact that most of us want to fit in and early on, we learned that any form of dissent from us will be received with backlash and worst, shunning. From that, most of us dare not stand up for what is right or what we believe in. We rather let evil and wrongdoings prevail if that meant no ruffling of feathers or disturbance of status quo. 

Whatever one does with their life, that is their own cross to bear. 

That being said and to make it extra clear, I pass no judgment. I don’t look down on people when they do bad things. I make sure that I stop at rebuking the abysmal things they commit. I do not let myself cross that threshold because how could I? I am not perfect. But two things can be true at once. I will call out bad and legally questionable actions when I see it happening right in front of me. People tend to mistake this as me looking down on them. Let me be clear: I always choose the hill that I would like to die on. If you are not affecting others or hurting opportunities for people who are doing honest work, you are not in my radar.

I do NOT want to be associated with fraudulent people and activities.

There is already a stigma about Asians marrying foreigners to alleviate their social standing and as much as it pains me to say it, this has been a source of great distress for myself. I take pride in who I am and what I did to be where I am today. It was an arduous road, filled with hardship and tears BUT never with dishonesty. I have always been a keen believer that there is another way, always–most certainly, other than selling your soul to survive. I sometimes wonder how one can look at themselves in the mirror when they know they cheated the system or used someone to get where they are or where they want to be. To just be lumped up with these people, just because of my nationality, is truly biting.

This is me refusing to dull my standards to make people around me comfortable.

I’m sorry, I just respect myself too much. I want to be credible and I like living my life with integrity. That is the plain and honest truth. I hate that because I am a Filipina, people immediately think that I am with my husband so that I can stay in Norway or in Europe. Even as a joke, I don’t like it. I left Norway when my contract ended and I looked for a legal job so I can stay legally in another country.

But you know why they say things like this? It is because of all the bullshit that fellow Filipinas and Filipina au pairs keep on doing abroad. Even in shows on Netflix, we are being portrayed as such: Filipina au pairs coming to Europe to look for European husbands so they can stay in Europe and run away from their miserable lives! 

These are real occurrences: (1) Au pairs that signed up on dating apps even before coming to their host countries so they can immediately snatch a husband before their contract ends, (2) making sure that they get pregnant so they can apply for a residence permit through their baby or their baby daddy, (3) guilt-tripping, forcing or conniving with their boyfriends to marry them so they can stay, (4) applying as the au pair of their single-dad boyfriend instead of going through proper channels, (5) paying for people to marry them so they can apply for a spousal visa, (6) sketchy Filipinas pushing other Filipinas to marry foreigners so they can have residency in their host country and (7) marrying someone, staying for 3 years with them and leaving them after getting their Permanent Residence. WTF, right?

The rain, same as death, is a great equalizer. 

The action of many affects the fate of one so I want to set the record straight right here and right now. I am not like these people and I don’t ever want to be associated with them. 

If you are one of these people, it is nothing personal, I just don’t want to be seen and treated like you. I had a genuine relationship with my husband, we didn’t break any law by falsifying documents, our relationship and our marriage. We didn’t use the au pair scheme so I can come and stay in Norway (I am not even residing in Norway at the moment–which is documented through and by Skatteetaten). We did not marry under false pretenses and I never forced him to marry me. He genuinely asked for my hand after a considerable amount of time of us being in a relationship.

And, as a PSA for anyone who doesn’t know this:

One can get married if you have the necessary documents for it. Now, the application for the FRV is a different thing. That is where the questionnaire and interview comes in. Don’t believe anyone who tells you that they admit to something that they lied about on LEGAL FORMS before they were able to get married. Nothing of that sort happens. Do what you will with this information.

[Ramblings] Notes from the Highs

Man only likes to count his troubles,

he doesn’t calculate his happiness.

Fyodor Dostoevsky

Let this be a cautionary tale to people who came from a turbulent background. It feels like I am documenting how I lose my mind. There is a brewing storm from within but it is from my own making. Life has been surprisingly calm and gentle lately but it seems as though I couldn’t process it. I get so used to the turmoil and suffering that my ever-so alert nervous system is always on the defensive, bracing for something that I have to bravely go through. 

But there is literally nothing to worry about now. Life has been kind and beautiful but I couldn’t seem to enjoy it. I am waiting for some kind of a beating, something to ‘put me’ back into place. I am waiting and waiting for something bad to happen, something that will bring me back to reality to no avail. For all intents and purposes, there is none. It seems like it.

I don’t understand. Is this the time of reaping and good harvest? All those times wherein I swallowed and went through hell, hoping in the end that it will benefit me greatly? All those times of seething in anger and protest when circumstances were unjust, when I had to bow my head and let things be? I thought it would be a time of great jubilation. Unfortunately, as I am not really well-adjusted, it just brought me confusion. I am in a state of utter daze. 

It would be nice to just stop the world and enjoy the rays of the sun finally shining down on me. To feel completely and to be fully grateful for what I have without questioning if I even deserve it. I long for the day wherein my thoughts will not go straight to tribulation and things that I have to accomplish. What is wrong with being able to float in the waters of contentment and bliss without feeling guilty or unworthy of it? I guess there is nothing wrong with living life in standard mode. Not everything needs to be herculean for it to be worthwhile. I can’t believe I am struggling to be happy when life seems to be fruitful and sunny. I can’t believe that tears stream the same in good times. It feels like a sin to feel bad when you are in the spring of your life but how can one fight this? How can one deal with this when one has the ideation that life is mostly suffering? 

There are days wherein it is difficult to get out of bed and to be honest I am grateful that I have a job wherein I am pushed to work. I feel like a zombie, yes, but I have a routine. The world continues to spin round and round and I go with the motion of it without feeling anything. Gone are the days wherein I could comfort myself with whispers of, ‘It will get better’. It is definitely better, but why do I feel like this? Now, I have to push myself to ‘accept’ the good things and embrace the fact that I am deserving of it. 

[Bio] Engagement Story

I am officially engaged!

My citrine ring

I got the most amazing ring from an amazing man. He was the one who picked the ring himself and to be honest, I was surprised that I ended up loving it. I thought it was too big, too pee-like in color and too circular for me, lol. I mean, I love the man, why would I dare not love the ring?

It was such a funny story because while on a call, he asked me randomly about my opinions regarding engagement rings; what kind of ring I prefer or even what stone. That question honestly made me anxious and I think I panicked a little bit because he just casually blurted it out. We were just randomly talking about our day. Then and there, I told him that I think I really want to have a labradorite or a citrine for my stone. I have always been averse towards diamonds because it doesn’t have a meaning or any significance for me. As for labradorite and citrine, I’ve been eyeing them since my courses in Mineralogy, lol. Labradorite reminds me of the northern lights and how it plays with light (labradorescence, duh?) and as for citrine, it is one of the rarest minerals in the world. Real citrine stones, in my opinion, are freaks of nature, lol. There is only a certain condition that this baby can form. 

After I told him that, I tried to change the conversation but damn, that really took a toll on me. I thought about it for days. It will be something that I will wear until we tie the knot so it should be something that I really like. After maybe two weeks of sitting on it, I sent him a message that I wanted something simple. I told him that I didn’t want any big stones or anything and that I would be happy with that. On his part, he panicked after receiving my message. He already ordered the ring because he was bringing it on his next visit. But then, when I showed him what I was getting for myself for my 31st birthday, he said that he felt a sense of relief. I would be fine with the ring that he chose. (I got myself a sapphire cut lab-grown ruby silver ring. Ruby is my birthstone, hehe).

The proposal was so cute. I mean, I already kinda have a feeling that he was gonna propose soon but I incorrectly guessed that he would probably do it before he goes back to Norway. July is also my birth month so, yeah, I’m kinda all over the place since events and/or schedules are probably related to my birthday celebration. So, one day, after he gave me his gift for my birthday (which was a fucking laptop, by the way, and other small things that I do love and enjoy), he also gave me a card. He said that on the 15th of July, we were gonna visit the UNESCO World Heritage churches in Troodos and then have dinner at a nearby tavern. I was stoked because one of my silly dreams is to visit all the UNESCO World Heritage sites in Europe so there was that.

He was so excited to drive all the way up to Troodos which was weird to me as well haha. I mean, he is also into sightseeing but not to that extent. While we were packing, I actually saw him packed a pullover on his bag and I was like, ‘The fuck, it’s so fucking hot in Cyprus. This dude is crazy’. I was side-eyeing him but then again I remember that this dude brought a raincoat in here and it almost never rains here. Funny because Bergen, Norway is the rainiest city in Europe and in Cyprus, it barely ever rains.  

First photos after getting engaged

A dollop of sun on my finger

I think he has a particular church in mind to propose to because he sent me a list of churches to visit. I was happy because he was taking initiative with the planning which usually falls on me so I was like, ‘Okay, girl. This guy is giving today’. Anyway, we missed out on one church because I thought it was the other one across the country (they almost all have the same name and Google Maps is also as confused as me) but it was alright. 

Once we were inside the Agios Nikolaos tis Stegis Church (St. Nicholas of the Roof), I was somehow left alone in the nave. It is a small church that can probably be used by 20 to 30 people for the celebration of mass. We were the only ones there since the first few tourists that were there with us just left. I was so engrossed at the paintings within the church, the reason why this church is a UNESCO World Heritage site. The ceiling of this 11th-century church was painted with Byzantine religious images which I was looking at and observing when he popped the question. He stood behind me, asked me in English first if I would marry him and then repeated the question in Norwegian. I think he was nervous but as for me, I was a bit perplexed and I even blurted out, ‘No,’ at first (jokingly, of course). Then he asked incredulously if I was serious, evidently surprised by my answer. 

I think it was a very personal proposal. We didn’t even have any photos inside the church (since it is not allowed). It was just me and him under the centuries-old painting. 

 

[Bio] Engaged!

I got the most amazing ring from an amazing man. He was the one who picked the ring himself and to be honest, I was surprised that I ended up loving it. I thought it was too big, too pee-like in color and too circular for me, lol. I mean, I love the man, why would I dare not love the ring?

Just posting photos of my engagement ring here (heat-treated citrine in 14k gold). I'm still working on the engagement story.

I also got my fiance his engagement ring. Apparently traditional in Norway

Still can't get enough

The church where my fiance proposed, July 15, 2025

First photo with the ring

[Bio] Stockholm City

I wish I could tell you how I exactly felt when I first arrived in Stockholm. It’s kinda funny now to remember how even the air that I breathed back then felt different. Immediately after getting out of the airport, I touched the snow. I don’t remember being cold despite it being around -2 degrees C when I arrived and me not having a proper winter outfit apparently. But then again, I was so giddy with excitement. I am in Sweden, where there is Right To Roam (Allemansrätten) after all. The public has the right to access nature and do activities in the wild as long as one does not destroy, nor disturb.

Insert COVID face, lol

I don’t think that I have been an outdoorsy person all my life. That only changed when I began university since I was sort of ‘forced’ to go out there and do some fieldwork. It also didn’t help that I have an irrational fear of massive landmasses that started during primary school. I feel overwhelmed by the grandeur of tall mountains that my heart starts to race. And yes I still feel this way even after living in Bergen, Norway, a city surrounded by seven mountains and climbing multiple peaks. BUT, I also try to challenge myself and face my fears. We only get overwhelmed anyways when we look and think about the bulk of the job or an activity. We often forget to take it slow and do leg after leg. One can definitely conquer a mountain not by scaling it but by going to the base and starting hiking.

field snap from Palawan, Philippines

Also, view on top of mountains are very nice anyways

Stockholm is flat tho, lol. There wasn’t much hiking there but there are multiple nature reserves one can visit. I’ve been to several with my friends, having picnics or just plain exploring when the sun was out. A sunny day is a commodity in Scandinavia. One MUST go out when the sun’s out even during winter. Everyone seems to be in good spirits as well. Typically, locals won’t really greet you as they keep themselves to themselves but that would change when it is sunny. That’s the time to greet and smile at people. It was also kinda funny to see them jogging inside cemeteries. That was a culture shock for me. You don’t see that back home where cemeteries always feel scary and sacred. 

walking on top of a frozen lake is a okay too

my friend, Tin, watching the world burn during Valborgsmässoafton

Valborg outtake

During Nationalsdag in Stockholm 2022 with friends, Liza, Sollen and Rica

Tyresta National Park

living the chartreuse life at the grounds of Bergianska Trädgården

Wine in public with a rad friend at Ivar Los Park

picnic with Claire, typical around June in Sweden

Täby attempt at swimming, August 2022

Nackareservatet picnic with friends

Hagaparken picnic 

(I shelled out moneeey to buy the picnic blanket 

because of how often we did this back then)

Exploring Haga Slott ruins

Skinnarviksberget top (what a weird photo)

I made this mistake one time of being out so late at Skogskyrkogården. It was August of 2021 and I wanted to see where Greta Garbo was laid to rest and also tick off another UNESCO World Heritage Site on my list. It was still bright at around 21 since I was able to take some okayish photos but it got dark real quick, lol. I was already panicking because the cemetery felt empty. Don’t get me wrong; I wasn’t scared of being murdered there or anything. In comparison to the Philippines, I felt so safe in Sweden even when people tried to tell me to be careful. I was more scared of phantoms or ghosts jumping in front of me. I was walking amongst graves after all. So, while I was navigating the maze-like paths there, a jogger just casually dashed next to me. Then I saw an elderly couple walking with their dogs. I laughed inside and scolded myself because I was being pathetic. 

me at the cemetery grounds feeling deep

sorry for the poor quality. i poor

Stockholm City itself felt so picturesque. I had a hard time thinking about how to describe it. It feels so modern but at the same time offers a robust sense of being historic. When I told people back then that I liked T-Centralen so much, they usually laughed at me and figured that I must be crazy. They said that it is always too busy. Like, what do they expect? It is a bustling city that offers a lot for locals and travellers alike. A thriving capital is something to be proud of. It means that the country is doing something good and there is no other way but to be grateful for opportunities and the whole lot of people around you. There were tons of places to see, eat and sit. I was never bored and it feels like there is always something that you can do. Everything is almost always accessible. You can either walk, take one of the city bikes or e-scooters when weather permits or take either the bus, the tram or the metro (and you can use your ticket to any public transpo within your city!). 

scooteeeer! Fave

flea market in front of Hötorget 

another low quali vid from me but look at Stockholm

Gamla Stan is a favorite and I spend most of my days there. I kid you not that there were times wherein I was there in the morning, in the afternoon and then I came back in the evening again. There was just too much to see and do for a history nut like me. In 2022, museums that were run by the State were mostly free so I was always rotating where I could hangout. Of course, I paid for some like the very touristy Royal Palace and private-run museums such as the Fotografiska Museum. I just remembered how I wasn’t so bitter about the museum's entrance fee, unlike when I was living in Norway. 

400-yr old buildings behind me at Stortorget 

January 2022, when I first arrived in SE

in all politeness, who buys these?

Apparently, the city is spread amongst 14 islands connected by bridges but I didn’t even notice that when I was living there. I was probably not that dumb (or I don’t know, maybe?), more so that it wasn’t really noticeable since every island is connected to one another ever so smoothly. Well-oiled, engineered and planned come to mind. Writing this, I remember how I would lie down on the grass in Djurgården. The sun was on my face and the wind was blowing ever so slightly. Life was good and for a while, everything was perfect. No problems and I could confidently say that I was happy. That was Stockholm for me, I guess. A happy place for myself because of how impermanent but structured it was. It was some sort of playground where my imagination was in full spin: possibilities were seemingly endless and potentials were achievable. The world opened up for me. 

Djurgården blues