During our union blessing in Manila, my long-time friends kept on sharing stories about myself that seemed to summarize who I am as a person. Other people might cower by writing it out, but not me. I am nothing but hardy. Anyway, the resounding opinion is that I am difficult.
My husband casually brought it up in one of our conversations after the blessing. At first, I was defensive since the word ‘difficult’ carries a negative connotation and, at surface level, implies that I am a bad or cruel person. But as I found myself wading through all the words that had crossed my mind, I realized some things: most of them pointed out that I am too firm when it comes to my words, I stand up for what I believe in regardless of what the common trend is, and that I am morally vocal.
Of course, I am not saying that I have never hurt people. I had been crass, tactless, and too honest in my youth, and even now through moments of frustration. When I hated something, I said it out loud. When something didn’t sit well with me, I didn’t just smile like an idiot and let it pass. I used my voice and spilled out what I intended the other person to hear. I never backed down just to have the illusion of superficial harmony. When someone disrespected me, they would no longer have a space in my life. I hated wasting my time and whatever space was left in my head. Everything was a resource for me, and I hated wasting it on people and situations that I believed were harmful to myself. I struggled with anger when I was growing up because I wasn’t really taught how to regulate it properly. Emotions were not encouraged, only obedience and success.
But aging gives me room to breathe and ‘smooth’ the rough edges bit by bit. I am now a bit more refined and keep on being refined by my experiences and learning. From time to time, anger makes me explode, but being around my husband’s calming presence (lol) reminds me that it is more likely to be heard when I am calm in my resolve. I am in a better headspace, and although life is still hard, self-discovery and development can be prioritized.
These friends, despite sharing anecdotes about me being ‘difficult’, will always have my back. They know that they can rely on me even if I am a bit too opinionated and do speak my mind. I am sorry that you guys have a high-agency friend, haha. I just really know what I want, what I need, and that there is really a need to set boundaries and to stand up for what is right. We need that now more than ever.
