Lately, I have struggled to shed tears.
I will admit that there were nights when crying had been my pastime. But for some reason, it just won’t come. There could be a lot of factors, now that I am thinking about it. I guess I have just been going through the motions of day-to-day living, going out left and right and connecting with people that I have missed for quite some time. Being up and about didn’t give me any room for heavy emotions.
It’s not like I have lost the ability to feel deeply. Seething inside is still my go-to response whenever I see injustice and wrongdoing. I guess, at the same time, I am quite lost and content in my thoughts. For the first time in a long time after mental anguish, I may just be at peace. There seems to be no longer any room for doubts and anxieties, unless otherwise brought about by myself. Everything seems to be falling into place, without even any personal intervention. It was as if my sparingness done in the past is ripe for the picking. It is now time to withdraw, apparently. Even when I feel things aren’t enough or curated yet to my liking, the universe is pushing me to let things be. I admit, I am not ready.
But I am not the one in charge here. There is only so much that I can actually control in life, and I have done so earnestly. And with that, I will tell you a story.
When I first moved to Norway, their migration department (UDI) contacted me about submitting my Swedish personbevis. A personbevis is my personal identification registered with the Swedish Tax Agency. It bears my name, identification number in the system, previous address, and everything that is relevant during my stay in Sweden. It was a common request, since I was moving from another Scandinavian country. Since I had it with me, I immediately submitted it. There were other people in the same situation as myself who told me that it was not important to do so, that it was just a courtesy request, but to my better judgment (and as a stickler for rules), I followed UDI’s instruction. Besides, some of these people didn’t have it because they either didn’t register or had no intention of paying taxes, so it was a moot point for them.
And then I lived my life in Norway for two years. I like to believe that I left some relevant footprints during my stay. I volunteered at festivals, regardless of whether they were minor or major ones, and in a library to host language learning for those interested. I joined a hiking group with other foreigners who were interested in learning the Norwegian language (hosted by DNT, of course, Til Topps), attended free and paid language courses all around Bergen, and volunteered at Salem Nærmiljøsenter to, again, improve my Norwegian. Through Salem, I picked up food a couple of times at Frelsesarmeen’s office in Sandvik and delivered it to an old woman living in a sykehjem. I was quite active at Caritas Bergen when it was still represented by people who shared the same values as I did. I also met and stayed in circles of two legendary figures in Bergen. One of them actually introduced me to the other. I even discussed Norway’s greenwashing attempts in its oil exploitation and the au pair program’s evils with one of these legends. And the last thing I want to mention is this: I was there with the oldies when the King and Queen of Norway graced us with their presence during the 2023 Festspillene i Bergen. Despite people telling us that they might not appear due to the King’s poor health, I waited in the rain to have a glimpse of them (with friends I forced to join me). The latter, I believe, was the ultimate proof: I had been trying to integrate into Norwegian society even before I realized it.
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Back then, I was doing things because I wanted to make the best of my stay in my host country. I have always been adventurous and curious, but the overarching emotion then was that I was grateful for the opportunity to experience the country. I wanted to get as much as I could, to learn as much as I could absorb, and to see as much as I could explore. I understood my privilege, and so I tried to be fruitful where I was and not be a burden. I would have never imagined living and traveling in Europe before my 30s. When I read books back then set in Europe, I kind of accepted the fact that I wouldn’t set foot there maybe until I was 60. There was no way I could afford it in my youth, I said to myself. But I was lucky and fated to live the life I am living. The best thing to do with whatever comes my way is to make the most out of it.
And then, when I moved out in 2025, I registered my Flytte Ut with Skattetaten. I left before my permit expired and informed the Norwegian Tax Authority that I lawfully left the country when my time there was up. I gave them my new address, my new phone number, and the new country that is hosting me. Again, other people told me that it wasn’t important, but I had read the fine print. One should do it.
Last December 22, I submitted my FRV + D-Visa applications to be with my husband. That’s a family reunification visa with a request to join him in Norway (D-visa) before my FRV approval comes. I got my D-Visa approval on January 19, despite a lot of long holidays, prior logistics problems, approval timelines and statistics, and an unfortunate (and yet polite) email exchange with the Norwegian Ministry of Foreign Affairs for holding my passport longer than expected (I loaned it because I am working overseas). All in all, UDI checked our files within 15 days and came to the conclusion that our case was not risky, and that they had confidence our case would be approved (probably even beyond reasonable doubt).
Maybe you are wondering why I am telling you all this. To be honest, I just want to share how all the small and seemingly trivial things that I have done in the past affected my migration story today. I am proud of the fact that I have done things properly even when no one was checking, and it pays off. Or that’s what I gathered from the turn of events in my life. (I am not discounting my husband’s sponsor profile, by the way, because it is indeed strong. But there are people like him who waited for months, even years, for their wives to get even just the D-Visa. You get the gist.)
Pretty soon, I will be with my husband too. I am just biding my time and working as much as I can before my move. Literally waiting to move until the last minute before my entry visa expires! I want to save up some money so I can contribute to the household (haha). Also, in my heart, I am hoping that I will get an early FRV approval before April, if it’s not too much to ask of the universe. It is a great fear of mine to burden my husband, even if he can afford it and despite his countless reassurances that I will be taken care of. I am just not used to not having money of my own.
So yeah. Even though I wish tears would come to ease the pain of my dry eyes (lol), this is probably one of those seasons that I don’t mind at all. Life is peaceful even if it’s still hard. And maybe I should be aiming for tears of joy and not of misery.
